THE FUNDAMENTALS TRIPOD™ E-NEWSLETTERS - JULY 2010
Last month we started to consider the difference between a working
and workable life and a flourishing life, e.g., one that is functioning
well and a life that is soaring. There are three basic ingredients
in a life that is working: integrity, communication and completion.
We started looking into integrity last month and we move on to communication.
Sincerely,
Eileen L Epperson
Spiritual Center Coaching
THE FUNDAMENTALS TRIPOD™ - HAVING A LIFE THAT WORKS. IT'S A BEGINNING!
2. Communication
COMMUNICATION: We have no clue
what great communication can be in our lives. This is my stand in
the matter: there is no problem, no argument, no misery, no stuckness
and no regret/ resentment that cannot be resolved through effective
communication. There is no guilt or bitterness that cannot be dissolved
through truth-telling.
Here is what communication is not: dumping, yelling, spilling your
guts, speaking loudly, getting things "off your chest," talking for
ages, writing/speaking honestly but without considering the receiver
or a monologue. Honest, authentic, responsible, and appropriate written
or spoken expression that originates from a commitment to one's self-respect,
is the foundation for GREAT communication in a flourishing life. When
you are able to speak your mind and heart without being aggressive
or submissive, you find out whether you have been heard. Until you
are clear that you have been heard and that you have heard the other,
you cannot be sure that you have communicated.
It is so joyous to know you said exactly what you wanted to say, albeit
perhaps with your knees knocking. And you did it in a way so that
no one was damaged and in fact,
you made a contribution. Nothing beats that joy in my book.
Two gifts of clear communication are ending
loneliness and enhancing self-esteem. When we practice saying
what is there for us in the moment (really an unbelievable idea for
most of us), we begin to feel known in the world. We shift this niggling
background thought most of us have that the world is chock full of
adversaries waiting to make our lives more difficult.
My bereavement group continually inspires me. These hurting people
gather weekly to talk and listen and then they go back to the same
empty homes. They heal in this group. As one person said
recently, "I leave knowing that someone else knows how tough and hard
every single day is. I still have to deal with it all, but these people
know I'm doing that. That makes all the difference." They communicated
and listened.
When someone has expressed feeling hurt or disappointed or annoyed
at some misstep, I often recommend that they let the other person
know. If I had a dime for every time the response has been, "Oh, it
isn't worth talking about," or "I really don't care that much," or
(my favorite), "I don't want to cause problems," I would
be living permanently in the Bahamas. Yes, I would be coaching from
there, but you get my point. WE ARE SO UNPRACTICED AND SO SCARED TO
BLOW IT if we dare attempt to say what we think or want (I include
myself and I am working on it). We don't know how to speak when
we are upset or disagree or have a point of view that differs from
another's. We do not know how to make requests and are left with only
the fruitless option of complaining. We do not want to upset people
or have them withdraw from us. We do not want to provoke.
I often see myself not quite saying everything I am thinking
in a discussion. I excuse myself - it isn't that big a deal. Not saying
something is better than saying it and, 1) not being understood or
2) sounding stupid. Yeah, right. This habit SO does not work for having
a flourishing life.
So, where can you learn to speak and listen? Well, not at home or
at school or at a place of worship, sad to say. Most of us have to
step outside of the usual modes of education that we have and look
elsewhere. Good group therapy, support groups and workshops and even
the 1970s-style assertiveness trainings can teach us useful practices.
Bottom Line: communication is an AREA FOR TRAINING. Start
where you are. Make one request today. If you are unhappy with someone,
write a letter (don't mail it) and be really honest. Write it again
and take the blame out of it. Write it again and be as clean and clear
as you can about sharing your experience. One step at a time will
eventually lead us to recover/uncover/create our own voice.
Next month, we will wrap up this initial foray into the legs of the
Fundamentals Tripod™ and look at Completion.
If you would like to talk about the possibility of bringing more
"workability" to your life, let
me know and we can set up a complimentary 20-30-minute conversation.